C-c-c-changes
I’m not going to quit smoking or become a vegetarian or stop drinking soda or any of those things that my brain is softly nagging me to do — first and foremost I am going to continue in this pattern of continual exercise, become comfortable running a mile everyday (you know, instead of ellipticizing the same), and readopt all those pairs of pants I’ve been pretending just shrank in the wash.
First of all, let me state or restate that, of late (since, err, last summer), I’ve been on-and-off tackling a very severe state of depression. This school year I descending into skipping large amounts of classes, letting my hair, skin, and body go to shit, eating tons, not working out, hiding myself in sweatshirts and pants that aren’t my size and big t-shirts, watching way to much TV, etc. Oh, and not showering.
Let me also say that I’m one of those people that grew up with the world at my fingertips, with all those infinite possibilities of president, astronaut, and movie star within my reach. And even though I probably wouldn’t pass the drug test for most of those (or, you know, whatever), I’m still really, well, good at a lot of things and still have the world (or, at least significant portions of it) at my fingertips, and so, I mean, it sucks to find myself in this situation — both ambitious and inert, capably drowning.
Dating John has been one step in the right direction — it makes me happy, and inspires me not to be a swamp creature.
Another step is exercising. Exercising is great because it helps gives you energy and also helps you get tired at bedtime. It discourages binges (who wants to destroy all that hard work?) and makes your pants fit better. It motivates you to shower every day. Hooray.
Another step (and you ready for this) is that this afternoon I have my first shrink appointment since last summer (ignoring one check-in over winter break). It’s stupid to think medication can cure depression without therapy. Unfortunately, for a long time I was too depressed to care.
This school year is kind of a lost cause, but this summer is going to be awesome. Awesome! I might take one or two classes, but my primary objectives are going to be 1) interning for Media Relations (and 1b) getting paid $11/hour), 2) having fun, 3) having fun, 4) writing. And, as certain traumatic family events can only happen once, I’m pretty sure this summer will be smoother than last in that department.
